- "The act of the F.A.R.T is an elegant and sophisticated culturally significant art from, one in which any civilized individual should be proud to partake. He who would argue otherwise exposes his utter ignorance should be subjected to a good old-fashioned Death by Monkey Hunt."
- — Oscar Wilde
A F.A.R.T. (Fully Articulated Rectal Transmission) is an anatomical phenomenon in which the lungs align with the gastrointestinal tract to expel a series of air-charged bursts. A small "canal" is formed at the bottom of diaphragm and connects to a port in the small intestine to facilitate the passage of air through the system; sphincteral muscles consequently contract and contort in elegantly harmonious unison to control the rate and magnitude at which the bursts occur. All physical bodily functions related to this process are controlled at will by the host individual. Expellate matter, a pleasant and inevitable byproduct of the F.A.R.T., tends to be quite dynamic characteristically, usually occurring in a wide variety of shapes, colors, smells, tastes, and personalities. Although an unusual example of bodily operation, developing and projecting a F.A.R.T. is nevertheless harmless to health and bodily integrity (although devastaingly degradative to personal and moral equivalents of such), and is often utilized in lesser cultures as a social mechanism or economic buttress.
Scientific Discovery and Exploration Edit
The F.A.R.T, though long a familiar facet of daily life to humans, by and large remained a mystery of unprecedented, gargantuan proportions throughout most of recorded history. In the twelfth century, robotic proctologist Daniel Boone and kitten huffing alchemist this guy of Xing Dynasty China, working in secret conjunction with a twelve-year-old clone of Adolf Hitler from the future, eluded capture and evaded death on level 10 of Super Mario Brothers: The Anal Addendum, to vanquish the late Lord Mordrid and penetrate Superman's Fortress of Solitude in order to gain entry to the legendary Shrine of Comic Misogyny that lay within. Intending to steal fire from the gods and return with it to Sherwood Forest, Boone and Guy, upon entering the Shrine, instead stumbled upon a scroll of ancient gastrological medicine, a vague, poorly-crafted representation of bovine intercourse constructed entirely of dried macaroni, and Newman from Seinfeld. Discarding the two most apparently trivial and intrinsicly worthless finds, the scientisits returned to China with Newman, where he was promptly labelled a specimen of study and dissected, in the name of science, with extreme prejudice. Boone was able to observe several cases of post-mortem F.A.R.T.s, and thus was able to draw conclusions as to their scientific cause and metaphysical nature. His notes were carefully recorded for posterity and distributed for use by the public. The published works, however, compiled in a single volume and misleadingly titled Nancy Drew and the Case of the Jesus Burrito, drew severe criticism from the scientific community and debilitating intellectual property lawsuits from the equally inaptly-named religious institution, Saint Pablo's Church of the Jesus Burrito. As societal pariahs, credibility wounded beyond repair, Boone and Guy withdrew from the public eye, their research receding from the public mind. Sadly lost to the sciences, the research was fated to spend the next five hundred years in cruel isolation, forgotten and forsaken and set adrift in scientific limbo. The Hitler clone, having mistakenly bludgeoned his parents to death with a tire iron (and therefore preventing himself from ever being born), was sucked into an implosive sphere of infinite smallness and ceased to exist. To this day he remains non-existently mired in a paradoxical state of un-reality.
Cultural Usage and Infusion Edit
Today, the F.A.R.T. continues to be a major component of several societies around the world. Zambikii F.A.R.T. Communication, a nonverbal method of conversational interchange, is unique to the nomadic Zambikii tribe of Italian sub-Saharan Africa. Boasting its own distinct vernacular of whooshes, splurts, pops and hisses, F.A.R.T. Communication uses the natural functions of the F.A.R.T. to allow "speakers" to engage in and initiate conversation on a "super-verbal" level.
F.A.R.T.-Related Medical Concerns, Injuries, and Disorders Edit
Although the F.A.R.T. is a natural bodily function and in itself completely harmless, excessive or abusive use can lead to a plethora of medical complications. Many people also report suffering from various F.A.R.T.-related disorders.
Injuries and Necessary Preventative Precautions Edit
Overuse of the F.A.R.T. technique may result in the following:
- Explosive Extraphysical Organic Reorganization (A sudden, rapid inversion of vital internal organs and the outer skin layer inadvertently triggered by pressure build-up within the F.A.R.T. canal)
- Large-scale nuclear war
- Beaver attacks
- Abrupt and profuse menstruation
- Spontaneous combustion or SEHS
- Various forms of propulsion-induced injuries
To avoid forms of injury, many frequent F.A.R.T. users use a specially fitted nozzle to moniter burst pressure and aid in air release. Others attach special purpose guard accessories, often colloquially referred to as mudflaps or fudge-catchers, to minimize the occurrence of expellate projection and reduce expellate exit velocity.